You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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