And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
