Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
