I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
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Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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