1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
