everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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