my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
