I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
