I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
