Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
honey bunches of taint.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
