apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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