Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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