Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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