Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
