Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
