There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
