You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
