my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Holy shit dude........stairs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
