I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
