Texts From Last Night

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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.

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  (843): At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts. http://tfl.nu/humd
  Replies (31) Good night (2461) Bad night (974)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.

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  (617): Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street. http://tfl.nu/miwy
  Replies (5) Good night (848) Bad night (3638)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises

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  (407): I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises http://tfl.nu/5v7b
  Replies (8) Good night (2896) Bad night (760)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.

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  (602): You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy. http://tfl.nu/r33s
  Replies (15) Good night (3195) Bad night (875)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.

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  (412): She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head. http://tfl.nu/fks8
  Replies (4) Good night (1131) Bad night (2529)
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  (254): View more from Texas

  They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call

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  (254): They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call http://tfl.nu/bvwc
  Replies (23) Good night (3287) Bad night (1161)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Did you bedazzle the elevator?

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  (845): Did you bedazzle the elevator? http://tfl.nu/4rct
  Replies (2) Good night (3487) Bad night (793)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...

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  (904): I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast... http://tfl.nu/hk8s
  Replies (7) Good night (1624) Bad night (1636)
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  (903): View more from Texas

  The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today

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  (903): The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today http://tfl.nu/xr2c
  Replies (4) Good night (1658) Bad night (715)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.

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  (908): How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks. http://tfl.nu/jloo
  Replies (11) Good night (968) Bad night (2628)
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  ...oh my god that's like anal suicide

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.

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  (260): ...oh my god that's like anal suicide (1-260): I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak. http://tfl.nu/xgzk
  Replies (9) Good night (752) Bad night (1884)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on

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  (202): He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on http://tfl.nu/ht4d
  Replies (9) Good night (1893) Bad night (712)
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  Yep

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  (204): I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh? (1-204): Yep http://tfl.nu/wj63
  Replies (0) Good night (1050) Bad night (560)
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.

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  (778): The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning. http://tfl.nu/ay6g
  Replies (4) Good night (604) Bad night (797)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell

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  (843): please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell http://tfl.nu/8d1q
  Replies (2) Good night (623) Bad night (217)

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