my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine