kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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