Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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