Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
It's official drugs can't kill me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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