I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
