Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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