i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
