somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
