I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
