Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
