The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
