when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
