with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
