Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
