making cat noises will not fix the situation.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
