WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
