Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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