Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
