I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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