hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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