his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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