if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
