My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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