Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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