hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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