I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
