I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
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Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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