What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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