nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
