The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
