I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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