I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
