I wish you could order shots online.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
