I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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