Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
