Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
