GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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