i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
