I molested 6 butterflies tonight
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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