The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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