Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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